Escape from the Black Hole to Life and Happiness

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Foreword: My story is no different from that of a lot of people out there. It is not as special as I think it is. This is a page from my journal. I hope at least one woman going through a similar phase reads this and finds solace.

“Hello You! I understand your struggle. I understand your pain. This too shall pass and you will rise again”.

Returning from a stressful workday with a terrible headache that put death to shame I realized there was no reason to hurry to get back home. It was anyway just an empty space that drank the last few drops of my passion and hope. There was no little D to welcome me with an endless tight hug; there was no Amma (mom) to apprise me of each minute of the day I missed. This place was a scary skeleton of what I had imagined my new home would be.

I kicked my shoes off, dropped the bag right in the middle of the room, and threw myself on the bed with a sinking heart. This had become me. This is it-this is what ‘rock bottom’ would feel like. There is no more going down. I’ve reached the limit. I wept and wept till numbness and hunger took over. The thought of having to pull me together to cook a meal that I would eat alone made me sadder. The drama queen that had been hibernating for a while woke up with a start. I screamed, howled, and went rogue Why me, I thought. Why do I have to go through this?

After putting together a basic dinner amidst numerous sobs and sighs and gulping it down through all those tears I thought about the options that lay ahead. I could continue being the victim, go down the spiral, and surrender to my demons or build a version 2.0 of life for me and my daughter. Walking down the stairs of doom was a great temptation since I was halfway there already. I looked up and saw a reel of could-be’s flashing in the small light at the end of the spiral. I decided to be kind to myself. I slept! The painkillers my doctor prescribed were such wonderful little things. They’ve been taking care of my sleep like a new mother to her child.

Aah, sleep and the best one at it; with the icing of dreams, I’ve ever dreamed. But waking up from such a perfect sleep always pushed me back into the rut I emerged from. That it was all a dream and my reality was one of solitude hit me hard again. Oh! the terrible pain all over again. I called in sick to work. Yes, I needed to rest.

Comments

  1. Rudhura library shop28 October 2017 at 03:32

    You are right.. I guess when one hits rock bottom they go through a phase like this..

    ReplyDelete

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