Good, Bad, Ugly & All of Us

Humpty Dumpty Had a Great Fall

“You are mediocre, average and a big disappointment. No wonder you ended up this way” said her father, shattering her heart yet again. It had been a statement she was used to by now; having been the essence of every interaction she’d  had with her father through her growing up years. She belonged to a family of educationists; one that bred scholarly doctors, teachers, social activists and important people that manned important positions in important places that mattered to the majority. Excellence was ‘expected’ to be a part of her DNA.  The pressure to always be first was injected into her life goals schema during her vulnerable adolescence.” Nobody remembers the 2^nd man who stepped on the Moon. It is 1^st or nothing”, preached one of the elderly family members. 

Constant reminders of the importance of being first in every stage of life (starting from class tests to sports and cultural activities and everything else that lay ahead) hung right above her head all through her journey from being a playful child to a confused and distressed adult. Marks and grades came to her with ease. For that she thanked her genes. But she was not trained to fail. She was not taught to accept failure as a natural aspect of life.

Little did she know that real life began after college. She was packed off to a faraway place for higher education. Despite her promising grades she started to fail. She was an emotional wreck. The compromised education system had paid no attention to its students’ emotional quotient. Her grades did not help her find solutions to problems in a friendship or a romantic relationship. She had not the slightest idea about working in teams, accepting disagreement or criticism. She was clueless about what to expect from the people around, and life, in general. She looked for guidance everywhere, in everyone. She looked for a helping hand, a protector in the men she(tried) to date. She started believing that she was a disappointment not just to her father, but to the world itself. She evolved into a timid, hyper sensitive adult. She made some compromised choices, burnt her fingers and parts of soul, fell deep into a rut and stayed there for a really long time, introspecting.

Slowly, she learned that negativity can reach you only if you open doors to it. Her parents had wished good for her and did what they believed were right. They operated from within their baggage of emotions, experiences, beliefs and perspectives. They meant good, they were not to be blamed. That she had it in her to realize her status and aspired for change was a result of quality upbringing. Blame game has never done anything good to anyone, so far in the history of mankind. She had to be on her own and figure her life out  because future awaited her with huge expectations. She started to list down traits of her true self

1) Insecurity in relationships

2) Lack of confidence

3) Need for affiliation to a person or a group for self validation

4) Poor decision making skills

5) Too much sensitivity to think and act with clarity

6) Tendency to try to fit in to every mold that came her way, losing her identity in the process

7) Extreme desire to impress people even at the cost of things / values that defined her core, creating maddening complications in relationships, hurting everyone involved

8) Fear to identify passion and follow it (what if it is not up to the mark, as defined by my family & legacy?)

9) A perpetual feeling of emptiness and failure

10) Pessimism

Rise of Humpty Dumpty

What had caused all this? She tried to remember her early years as a child, when the strange ways of adulthood were still incomprehensible. What had changed? Days of reflection and mind mining brought her to the truth. She was mostly a function of her experiences during adolescence. Those critical years, the eventful teenage, she realized, was a deal maker / breaker. All her responses to life’s demanding situations stemmed from the beliefs, validations and views gathered during those painful years. All she was used to hearing then, was how ugly she looked, what a disappointment she was (she always came 4^th or 5^th in class; never 1^st), how un-lady like she behaved and dressed and how all this has caused immense stress & embarrassment to her parents and relatives. To add to this wagon of stupidity, she studied in a boarding school, physically separated from family and carried scars of being abused sexually as a kid.

The sense of failure ran so deep in her veins that she identified herself with everything negative, thus opening doors to emotional exploitation and victimization. Most of her relationships had been born out of desperation to be cared for and acknowledged . Her idea of marriage was all about a prince charming in a shining armor on a white horses coming to save her. There was no reality attached to her perspectives anymore.

A long stint in that rut helped her understand the rules of the game. Yes, injustice had been done. There was no way to change the past. But if those negative limbs were acquired from that lack of fairness, they can be discarded with some effort too. She decided to be aware and alert about her responses. She started observing patterns. There they were, all over her life; in the kind of friends she kept, the men she dated, the decisions she took…Everything about her choices pointed towards a needy woman guarded by a sense of worthlessness. She decided to be conscious enough to break the cycle. Her future was in her hands. She had ALL the powers needed to erase EVERYTHING the past had dumped in her belief system. She turned into a phoenix that decided to rise from its own ashes as a new individual with the least possible baggage.

As cliched as it may sound, she learned that it is important to bank on experiences as mere learning modules. After you fail multiple times, chase the same kind of abusive, emotionally torturing relationships, over use your poor decision making skills, there is not much left to do but to pause, think and change direction. Number of man years wasted in that dungeon of fear, insecurity and everything else negative do not matter. She was alive, aware and ready to start all over again! The painful journey to this realization could not be avoided for it was not controlled by her. The beauty of the journey after stepping out of the dark hole of worthlessness seemed worth every day spent facing the truth in there.

Childhood and adolescence are critical. Psychologists agree that about 90% of your personality is set before you turn 6. The proportion of positive, healthy love, clear & transparent communication of the same and unconditional sense of security exhibited can impact childhood and the succeeding adulthood immensely. Much of a person’s sense of identity is developed during adolescence (between 12 & 19 years). These age brackets are critical in making or breaking individuals. Memories may fade; but the lessons they teach stay forever. As a parent, she decided to do everything possible in her control, to guarantee a happy childhood to her kid. She promised herself to encourage the little one and have a positive and objective approach. She decided to let her child fail and tell her / him that it’s OK. She decided to raise a strong, bold, confident individual instead of a timid, insecure 1^st rank holder. She wished to bring up a child who could protect herself / himself from negativity leeches. She vowed to be a pillar of strength and unconditional love to her child, encouraging him / her to take risks, try new ways, aim for success, prepare for and experience failure and bounce back and start over again. She learned that life was not a race to win. It was a long train journey covering various springs, oceans, deserts, meadows, tunnels, scary forests, icy mountains and beautiful gardens. Every word you utter to your child matters. Every gesture, intentional or otherwise, has an effect on those tender minds. It is the parent(s) that begins to paint on a child’s empty canvas. Let those initial strokes be colorful, healthy, positive and encouraging. Let the next generation be a balanced one. Let there be no judgments, only unconditional love. Let there be failure and learning. Let there be victories too.